Melons Are Stupid


Dead Watermelon by Ray Monter on Deviant Art

I’m a healthy eater for the most part… as much as anyone can be living in a house where toddlers frequently visit and a work place that always has brownies.  But, the one food category I cannot understand to this day, over 23 years later, is MELONS.

Reasons Why I Don’t Like Melons:

-Melons are mealy. When I take a bite, I want crunch and substance. I don’t want it to taste like my teeth are sinking into something that has sat inside a Ziploc bag in my car for 4 weeks. And don’t even get me started on the seeds.

-Melons aren’t portable. If you want to take a melon for lunch, have fun lugging it out of your car and to the kitchen to slice it into actual hand-held, edible sizes.  Grapes or Bananas or Apples (without the peel) > Melons

-Melons taste watered down. I don’t care if it is Honeydew, Cantaloupe, or Watermelon.  They all taste the same to me – water-logged. When I eat something I damn sure want it to be good and enjoyable.

Ways to Solve the Melon Epidemic:

-Engineer a new species of bug that eats melon seedlings and release them across the world.

-Genetically modify melons to taste better.  (The U.S. does this to everything else, so why not add one more fruit?!) China has a pretty good idea of what to do with them.

-Stop buying melons. Yes, it will put thousands of farmers out of business, but it is for the betterment of mankind as a whole. Think of the philosopher Jeremy Bentham: the greatest good for the greatest people.

Mixed in a fruit salad, flavored in gum, I don’t care where they are at or what they are in. Melons are stupid.

In the words of Dr. Seuss, “I would not like them here or there. I would not like them anywhere.”

** If you know of an “I Hate Melons” club, group, or society, please let me know. There is a Facebook fan page, if you’re interested,  here.


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