I’m a healthy eater for the most part… as much as anyone can be living in a house where toddlers frequently visit and a work place that always has brownies. But, the one food category I cannot understand to this day, over 23 years later, is MELONS.
Reasons Why I Don’t Like Melons:
-Melons are mealy. When I take a bite, I want crunch and substance. I don’t want it to taste like my teeth are sinking into something that has sat inside a Ziploc bag in my car for 4 weeks. And don’t even get me started on the seeds.
-Melons aren’t portable. If you want to take a melon for lunch, have fun lugging it out of your car and to the kitchen to slice it into actual hand-held, edible sizes. Grapes or Bananas or Apples (without the peel) > Melons
-Melons taste watered down. I don’t care if it is Honeydew, Cantaloupe, or Watermelon. They all taste the same to me – water-logged. When I eat something I damn sure want it to be good and enjoyable.
Ways to Solve the Melon Epidemic:
-Engineer a new species of bug that eats melon seedlings and release them across the world.
-Genetically modify melons to taste better. (The U.S. does this to everything else, so why not add one more fruit?!) China has a pretty good idea of what to do with them.
-Stop buying melons. Yes, it will put thousands of farmers out of business, but it is for the betterment of mankind as a whole. Think of the philosopher Jeremy Bentham: the greatest good for the greatest people.
Mixed in a fruit salad, flavored in gum, I don’t care where they are at or what they are in. Melons are stupid.
In the words of Dr. Seuss, “I would not like them here or there. I would not like them anywhere.”
** If you know of an “I Hate Melons” club, group, or society, please let me know. There is a Facebook fan page, if you’re interested, here.